A Little Friendship, Please!

     Does anybody else have trouble keeping up their relationships that may have gone by the wayside? I sure do!
     I will readily admit that I'm not the type of person to phone, skype, or text someone to start a conversation if I don't converse with them on a daily basis. It's awkward, and to be honest, I hate small talk. Maybe it's because I can babble about the most ridiculous things when I'm feeling uncomfortable-- a trait inherited from my mother's side? (Don't hate me, Mom. But I think it's very Teichgraef to do this! :)
     So it makes sense that if I've lost some contact with a person, my willingness to go back and try to regain that friendship suddenly becomes a daunting task. After all, do I really want to make a fool of myself?
     However, I've found that this has led me to missing out on a lot of good relationships. For the last couple years, there has been this desire to have girlfriends to hang out with. I seem to have no trouble talking to guys, but I think this has always been the case as I generally had a lot of male friends growing up. It's lonely when I realize that my husband gets to hang out with all these guys and I feel like I'm stuck being the lone female. I need that girl time!
     It doesn't help that facebook allows me to become jealous of the relationships I see in other people too. Here's so-and-so with all of her friends, hanging out and having a girls' night. Look at that girl! She always has other girls around her in pictures when she goes out. Facebook envy. Watch out!
     So what's my problem?
     First of all, let me say that I may have grown up with many friends, but I've really only had maybe two or three girls that I can honestly say have known everything about me. It's hard for me to connect on a truly personal level where everything can be up for conversation. Vulnerability is not something I can just share with everyone.
     In some ways, I wish I could be more like my sister. She has such a big heart, and it's always easy to see when something is on her mind. I don't know anybody who feels like they can't connect with her personally almost instantly because she's not afraid to cry right there on the spot. (I'm sure she wishes she didn't wear her heart on her sleeve so much though, because I know she's been hurt by it too). Nevertheless, people usually feel free to call my sister up and say, "Hey! Let's go for a coffee date and pour out our hearts to one another."
     My first reaction to that statement? What the heck? Why do we need to talk about stuff? I hardly know you and now you want to know intimate details of my life? I can listen but I sure don't want to share my feelings! Despite these initial thoughts, it makes me jealous when I hear that my sister can go out and do this stuff. At least she has friends who want to hang out. It seems that my defensiveness probably puts up a wall that says I'm untouchable.
     I'm really not. Deep down inside, I long for good friendships and girls who want to do fun, womanly things. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my husband and spending time with him. However, he does things with the guys so why can't I do things with girls?
     Recently, I've connected with my cousin who has a daughter the same age as mine. I was so surprised when she first voiced a desire to get to know me better. After all, I've grown up with her, lived five minutes away our entire lives, and attended most family gatherings together. Her life seemed very different from mine, but it wasn't like we were strangers. And yet we were. She seemed very guarded, but imagine my surprise when she thought I was closed off! I never thought I was but perhaps I gave that reaction when I felt like I couldn't connect. How ridiculous!
     And now, after getting together once a week, I look forward to seeing her and getting everything out in the open. We've cried together, and shared some really intimate details that have made me realize that I've been such a doofus. Why do I close myself off? I'm really missing out on people's lives when I don't connect on a personal level. There is so much that surprises me that leads me to say, "How come I didn't know all of this was going on?"
     I understand that I'm made differently. Maybe I won't have tons of friends, but I sure can keep up with the ones I do have. And maybe every friendship doesn't have to include soul-bearing time, but some do.
     So I've started making it a point to intentionally get together with people. Everyone struggles with things, often silently on their own. We shouldn't have to bear things alone, especially in the church and with fellow believers. It's been a struggle, but my goal is to open myself up and share my heart with people, even if it scares me to get to such a personal level.
     If you are reading this, and have felt that I've seemed "untouchable" to you, I want to express my apologies. Please forgive me for making you feel as if I didn't care. I do care, and I'm now making the effort to connect. It may take a while but I'm working on it.
     I want to encourage you as well. Forget this stupid North American society where everyone's needs so much personal space that they don't know what's really going on with friends and neighbours. Invest in other people's lives. People may let you down but at least they know you cared enough to listen.

Why am I afraid to open up? (And yes, that's a cute baby receiving blanket on my shoulder!)