Is Modesty Relevant Today?

     I've been reading many a blog post lately, mostly to do with a mother's sanity raising children--to which I can definitely relate. However, a few other ones keep popping up regarding modesty or the effect of a woman's dress choice on men. There is some huge debate going on between women, both vehemently defending their views while criticizing, or blasting, the other.  

[I'll put a link at the bottom to some of the posts I've been reading] 
    
     On the one side, the majority of women stand. A woman here believes that her dress has nothing to do with how a man conducts his thoughts. Men are not animals, after all, and should be able to keep a lock on their behaviour. Therefore, whatever feels comfortable should be worn, regardless of how it looks to other people.
    In comparison, the opposite side is remarkably smaller, the women here scattered few and far between. These women are fully and modestly dressed, in hopes that their intentional attire will help their fellow brothers not to look on them with lust. They believe that men are unquestionably visual humans--a natural part of life--but one that can also cause them to stumble. They are convinced that they are partly responsible for the way a man views them. 
   

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     Even with these two sides, there are some stragglers in between. They stand in favour with both sides. Here, they are comfortable with keeping a modest dress but still choose to wear a bikini to the beach. There is a an understanding of how men think, and similarly, how they are totally responsible for keeping their thoughts in check. Sometimes they are pulled to the majority side while ridiculed by the modest one, and vice versa. It's a constant tug-of-war. 
    Fellow ladies, do you find yourself choosing one of these sides? Or do you straddle the line?
    Personally, I'm in the middle. It's truly hard for me to hear that I'm an immodest woman for always wearing the bikini to the beach. From the time I could pick my bathing suits, the two-piece was always my choice. And yes, I did have a string bikini or two.
    Now I know what the majority of women would say. "Who the heck cares?" You feel comfortable so wear it!" That is not the problem though. It really is about who I am trying to impress. Ladies, I know that most of you get up in the morning and think about how good you look in the clothes you pick out. What you really need to ask is who are you trying to look good for? For ourselves? Sure, but it doesn't usually stop there. Other women? I've found myself wanting other women to be jealous when they look at me. Men? DING! DING! DING! DING!
    Deny it all you want, but both nature and society have such an overwhelming desire for attracting the opposite sex. It's built in us. It's also pounded into our brains by the fashion world. (A man invented the bikini, by the way.) Everything is about looking sexy. And unless you are a lesbian, we're trying to look sexy for those guys.  
    So if it's a natural desire to be attractive to the opposite sex, what's the problem?   The problem is that some natural desires can be taken too far, especially if they are not within the right context. Sex? I believe best fulfillment is within marriage. Hunger? A good balance between foods. Otherwise, we're left with a whole lot of disappointment, dissatisfaction, or obesity, etc. If we do not curb them, our natural desires also compel us to lie, or be entirely self-centred. 
    Let's talk frankly now. Men are visual. Period. This does not go to say that all men are exactly the same, nor that women can't be visual creatures either. But let's face it. We are not men. We will never think exactly like they do or even be wired the same. I'm all for women being treated as equals, nevertheless, we cannot and should not mistake this for having the same male attributes and predisposition. Ever heard of estrogen and testosterone? Large amounts of testosterone in a man make him different, wouldn't you say? Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that we're just men in women's bodies. That's a disgrace to our gender.
     I asked my husband the other day what his first reaction would be to a woman whose cleavage was very obvious. Boobs. Nipples.  He told me then that this is where he has to stop his mind from going further. I then inquired what his next process of thinking would be unhindered. Undressing her. Having sex. Whoa! And these thoughts are not just over a long period of time. They can be within seconds. Talk about a rapid rate of progression!
     My first thought would be to call him a pig! How dare he think about some other girl in that way! But he told me that the mind's natural response to women is just that. It's not something a man can just turn off. However, when the initial thoughts arise, men have the choice whether to explore it further or to put a stop to it. 
     Now all you modest women are standing up cheering! Of course! This is what you are trying to convey! If a man thinks like this, let's help him to not push this any further. Why make it so much more difficult by exposing parts of our skin that will only accelerate his temptation? Tank tops and board shorts for everyone at the beach this year!
     But let's give a point also to the upset majority, standing in their bikinis and glaring. My husband doesn't see a difference between a good fitting bikini and a tankini. Or shorts. Or a tank top, for that matter. There are still curves there. If you truly wanted to hide everything, you might as well wear a sac from the neck to toes. Even then, some men might be turned on. It's a pretty well known fact that in older societies, exposing your wrist was a turn-on. In another world, it was the ankle. And still today, women in full-fledge burkas tempt men because the males are excited at the prospect of what is underneath all the material. In contrast, what about the tribes of people whose women wear no clothing on top, and yet seem to be fine without men pointedly staring at their chest every two seconds? 
   

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    So what's the point of dressing modestly when men will obviously not be hindered by our clothing? Why not just dress as we wish? Apparently, rape happens to women wearing all sorts of clothing, or lack thereof. The argument that "she was raped for dressing like a slut" is not only invalid, but blaming the victim which is never okay! A girl should be able to wear whatever she wants without fear of being raped. I'm going off on a tangent here, but I think these issues are linked. That being said, a woman is going to attract a lot of negative attention if and when she decides that it's okay to wear things that physically exemplify overt sexuality. 
     It's getting more difficult for men to draw lines. I'm never excusing a man's behaviour, but what's the difference between raping a woman in his mind, and doing it physically? Both are against her will. According to Matthew 5:28 in the Bible, 

"But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart"

    I remember walking the halls of my grade seven year when I passed a couple of boys who were catcalling me. Wearing long sleeves and jeans, I couldn't understand their logic, but ignored them anyway. However, when one boy proceeded to smack me in the butt, I couldn't ignore it any longer. Thus, the beginning of my beautiful nickname "Crotch-Shot". Needless to say, that boy knew it was never okay to touch me after that. 
    So where does it stop for the male species? If they mentally won't stop themselves from thinking lustfully, I think it can lead them to the idea that their touching is justified. Men can quickly become animals if they allow themselves to. And who is stopping them? Their fellow man? Television? Movies? Society? Women? Nope. We're all about instant gratification these days and I'd say sex is at the top. At every turn, men are bombarded with commercials, movies, magazines, and ads (Dolce & Gabbana, anyone?) that tell him to take control of a woman. Lose your virginity at thirteen! Dominate her in bed! Masturbate to fulfill your needs! Grope that woman on the dance floor who is grinding against you! Find porn at the click of a computer button because you are a man who has dark fantasies which your girlfriend/wife just can't fulfill. 
    With all of this bombarding our men and our boys, it's easy to see why the lines are blurred. 
***I wrote this piece a while ago and coming back to the line above makes me laugh. Robin Thicke's song, Blurred Lines, has blasted its way to the top. Along with it, the concept of saying to a woman, "I know you want it" while they prance around the song naked. While I personally think that the human body is a beautiful thing, can you really argue that this was done to appreciate women or objectify them? 

http://thebodypacifist.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/blurred-lines-655x360.jpg

     This, my dear ladies, is why we have to be careful. You might never think that wearing that short-short skirt could really do much damage, but do you really know what kind of man is looking at you? Do you know what he's thinking or what his habits are? It's a difficult way to look at things. On the one hand, you are not responsible for his thinking. On the other hand, are you contributing to the society which attributes to the idea that woman are merely objects for the sexual gratification of men?
     A friend of mine had written this to a friend, regarding the need for modesty in this sex saturated world. 

"Coming from a person who has been raped and abused, I will do everything in my power NOT to let that happen again, even though I did nothing to provoke it before. If I know that something or someone is potentially dangerous, I will do my best not to provoke them, even if it is not my responsibility. I think it IS my responsibility, actually. Not to say that women deserve to be taken advantage of, but I have always been a "You're accountable for what you know" kind of person. If I KNOW that men are wired differently and are stimulated visually much more so than women, I don't have to understand it (as in, experience it myself,) but I will act accordingly, knowing that it is true. I cannot help how men think, but I CAN help what I show them."

     I love her way of thinking. She was never responsible for what happened in the first place, but can understand the power her body has on the opposite gender. We can truly wear whatever we choose, but need to realize that it's not necessarily beneficial to those around us. As a completely straight woman, even I have a difficult time pulling my eyes up from a woman's cleavage which happens to be bursting out of her tiny shirt. 

    Ladies, let's be more sensitive to our men. If a guy is struggling, don't be offended if he asks you to change or cover up. He doesn't want to be an animal! Before he was my husband, Micah used to get together regularly with a group of Christian guys to talk about the issues of lust and sexual sin. Now before anybody gets all upset that I'm doing this from a Christian perspective, these are the same guys who are saying,  

 "I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman."  Job 31:1

     Would you rather discredit God and make these men like everyone else? These men are really trying. They are training their minds to go against the grain of society. With the support of others, Micah was trying keep himself accountable to both God and women, desperately trying to save all the lures of sex for marriage. Did it help? Yes! Was it easy? Never! It still isn't easy. 

     Now I realize that some people might be saying how unfair it is that men can go topless and women can't. I know that men are still objectified without a shirt on. Hokey smokes! When we were dating, my awareness of Micah's body intensified that much more when he was shirtless and all his muscles were displayed for the world. Cuddling was off limits when we were at a beach because I had a hard time stopping my hands from wandering around his chest. In that sense, I had guard my thoughts and actions to prevent myself from touching what was not yet mine.
     Our society has sexualized everything. Neither men nor women are exempt. But in this day and age of overt sexuality, it seems that women are not becoming these strong creatures who are respected and treated as equals by men. Instead, women who are declaring their sexual freedom are only subjecting themselves to their objectification from men.  
     This is a two-way street. Change needs to happen on both parts. Let's teach our sons and our daughters about this. What are we doing to help?











I'm finding it difficult to convey my point on such a hot topic. It seems like there is so much more I could talk about in regards to this issue. For instance, the effects of pornography on our society, the many women who similarly struggle with lust, rape culture, deciding how modest is modest enough, equality of the sexes, society's effect on defining beauty as woman's primary objective in life, etc. etc. There is such a wide array of rabbit trails that this subject can join up or lead to. Have I said enough for now?       

• The original article that started me thinking about this topic:

 http://madeinhisimage.org/the-bikini-question/

• An ad from Dolce & Gabbana objectifying a woman

http://blogs.longwood.edu/advertising3/2012/10/11/dolce-gabbana-ad/ 

• A great article from a Dad's perspective about teaching his son how to view women.

http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/     

• A reaction to Miley Cyrus after the VMA's 

http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/08/10-tips-for-proving-

youre-grown-up-for.html

• A reaction to Robin Thicke's performance at the VMA's and how to discuss this with your son

http://themattwalshblog.com/2013/08/28/dear-son-dont-let-robin-thicke-be-a-

lesson-to-you/

• A concerned Mom's reactions to sexual pictures from girls on her sons' facebook pages. While I think she made a bunch of mistakes, I think her general desire was teaching her sons to avoid sexual temptation, even at the cost of facebook friendship.

http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/