You know what I love even more than those movies? The movies where they show the gritty honest lives of two people trying to make their marriage work. Those are the kind that get me in tears over and over again--which, I may add, is not too hard these days considering that these pregnant hormones have decided to go into overload!
The ridiculous thing is that these movies tend to be few and far between. I think the world had become so accustomed to Hollywood's infatuated romance that we've pushed these ideals to the top of the box office. You know the kind. Undeniable attraction. The "I'm-so-in-love-I-can't-breathe" feelings. Conquering the world to be with the one you love. Hot, crazy, sex. And then the movie ends.
It's no wonder that the divorce rate is through the roof amongst Hollywood celebrities. Aside from the fact that crazy work schedules and significant amounts of time spent apart would tear any marriage to shreds, the most prevalent attitude occurs in these relationships much like that of their movies. I tend to groan when I hear about the latest celebrity couple saying, "We really love each other but we're going other directions," or "I'll always love her/him, but the spark is gone".
Seriously? The spark? What kind of crap have we bought into? When did Hollywood get to decide that romantic/marriage relationships need to be fraught with steamy nights of passion and seduction? Do we really think that relationships are anything but the amazing let's-spend-the-rest-of-our-lives-together-in-this-honeymoon-phase? Puh-lease!
I've been married four years now. I can truthfully say that the honeymoon phase ended after two years of being married. Then again, we had already dated for three years before getting married, so there was plenty of time to bask in the glorious affection so many people call love. And honestly? It was so hard for me to look at all the newlyweds cozying up to one another, realizing that Micah and I were just not there any more. I remember complaining to him that we were losing that spark--the dumb thing--and wondered how we could work keep the romance alive.
Don't get me wrong here. We're not dead! There's still plenty of A-MAZ-ING sex (sorry, Mom), cuddling on the couch, and dinner dates, despite the fact that we have a 19 month daughter and another one on the way. But, we're not that same couple that could hardly keep their hands off one another back in high school. And the kissing, which used to be the phenomenon of the century--partly because we waited a year and a half while we were dating--has just kind of melded into the rest of our affections for one another.
According to Hollywood, we're done. Where's the passion? the flowers brought every week, just because? the sweet nothings whispered while staring at one another for hours on end? Isn't that what solid relationships need in order to survive?
Let me say a big, "HELL NO!" to that. You look at any marriage that lasts fifty years and ask them the honest question of how they made it work. I bet they'd tell you that it was more than just fluffy rose petals that got them through. No, more like blood, sweat, and tears.
I'm not trying to downplay the notion of being romantic and doing wonderfully affectionate things for your spouse. I'll be the first one to cry when my husband brings me roses because I've had a bad day. Or the smile on his face after I've told him we're taking the weekend off alone to stay at a hotel while zip-lining through the mountains. These things are important. But, they are not what makes the core of a relationship strong.
I can look at my father's parents and see how amazing their relationship was with one another. My Oma, having recently passed, affected my Opa in such a way that he didn't know how he would ever survive without her. They sure loved each other! It was evident in their gazes, their attitudes, and how they spoke of one another. To this day, my Opa still praises her, remembering how beautiful she was and how much he adored her.
And yet, I know how much their relationship had to endure. They were married when Oma was just seventeen. Fours years later with three children in a one-bedroom cabin while milking the cows and struggling to survive, I can bet they didn't have the time or money to go on romantic getaways or dates. Between the chores, dirty diapers, and crying children, there was probably a lot of frustration and anxiety. For most couples these days, this is the relationship breaker. When people start to feel as if they aren't the most important thing in a relationship, it ends.
This is where love really comes in. Love is not merely a feeling that one can float away on. It's an action that has to be put into practice. Love is the undertaking of putting others first in the most selfless way possible. Love is truly the husband that holds his wife's hair while she is sick on the toilet, puking her guts out. Love is offering to take the kids for the morning so your husband can sleep in on his one day off from work. Love is making supper after a hectic, exhausting day so the family can sit down to enjoy time together.
Love can also be finding out how your spouse feels loved and doing that very thing, even if you do not get the same love out of it. (5 Love Languages, anyone?) My love language is quality time. That doesn't just mean spending a couple hours every night eating supper, getting the toddler to bed, and watching a show. It means spending a whole day close to my husband, doing things together and spending lots of time in meaningful conversation. To Micah, he thinks a few hours doing whatever should be fine. However, he knows that my love tank fills up completely after we can do this. I know that there isn't always enough open time in our weeks to do this, so I take what I can. In the meantime, I try to work on what I can do to show Micah love.
Life will never be a complete honeymoon. Bills need to be paid, babies come along, things break down, temptations arise, and legs don't always get shaven. This is reality and anyone who thinks otherwise has deluded themselves. When I hear things like, "If my wife really loved me, she would do _________ for me," I want to smack that person upside the head. Get out of your selfish thinking! If two people come together thinking that the other person is meant to complete them, their relationship will indubitably fail!
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Garbage. Just garbage! I believe, if you choose someone and the both of you work to love the other person selflessly, marriage is going to work! It almost sounds ridiculous, but we've fooled ourselves for so long into thinking the opposite that it's time to sort ourselves out. The sooner we realize that relationships are one of the hardest things we can maintain, maybe people would actually start treating it with more respect.
If you were to treat your child with the same love mentality as many do with their spouses, every single parent would be hated. "Oh, you didn't give me a hug today?"said to the five year-old. "Well fine! I'm leaving you!" It's just dumb. Parenting is a lot of selfless work. Why don't people put that same effort into their spouse?
Maybe this is the reason why The Notebook is such a popular movie. Despite its many flaws, the characters of Noah and Allie work hard for their relationship to last. One of the things I enjoy is hearing Noah say this line to Allie:
“So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me... everyday.”
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how you treat me. I treat you like this because I love you." Wow! That's true love! And it inspires me to do the same, though sometimes I'd just love to tell him to "suck it" when I feel upset or angry.
So quit believing the lies of Hollywood love! Invest in a life of loving your spouse without the feeling of needing to be completed.
(I'd love to go into how only God can truly complete us, but that's another story for another day!)
***If you want to watch a good love story, Premonition comes to my mind. It's not the typical Hollywood romance. It's actually more of a thriller with some parts that scared me! And yet, through all the craziness, the story between husband and wife always gets me because they chose to make their marriage work.
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